I Knead My Mommy: And Other Poems by Kittens by Francesco Marciuliano Download (read online) free eBook .pdf.epub.kindle

I Knead My Mommy: And Other Poems by Kittens

Just when we all thought things couldn’t get any cuter, from the author of the New York Times bestselling I Could Pee on This comes I Knead My Mommy, a book of confessional poems about the triumphs, trials, and daily discoveries of being a kitten. From climbing walls to claiming hearts, these little cats bare all in such instant classics as “And Then You Said ‘No,'” “Ode t

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    karen

    Sep 21, 2015

    rated it
    it was amazing

    it was only a matter of time before the people who brought you I Could Pee on This And Other Poems by Cats and I Could Chew on This: And Other Poems by Dogs burned through their earnings from those books in series of cocaine-and-hot-air-balloon bacchanals and cried out – “oh no, what now???”

    kittens, is what now.

    in keeping with the format of my reviews for the previous books: meow and roof, here are some of the poems that made me the chuckliest along with pictures of adorable kittens, probably b

    kittens, is what now.

    in keeping with the format of my reviews for the previous books: meow and roof, here are some of the poems that made me the chuckliest along with pictures of adorable kittens, probably being naughty.

    I’ve Been Watching

    Like a human baby
    I cry a lot
    Like a human baby
    I need your help
    Like a human baby
    I crave your love
    Like a human baby
    I sometimes wedge myself behind
    the fridge
    Or run screaming across
    the kitchen countertop
    Or hide inside pillowcases
    Only to claw wildly at your ears
    when you rest your head
    Like a human baby
    I don’t know everything about human babies
    Especially since you don’t have one yet
    But when you do
    You can thank me for how I prepared you
    For when your human baby starts gnawing
    on exposed wires.

    Ode to a Lizard I Didn’t Know Is Also a Pet in This House

    AUUUUUUUUUUU
    UUUUUUUUUUUU
    UUUUUUUUUUUU
    UUUUUUUUUUUU
    UUUGGGGHHHH!!!
    I’m sorry!
    I didn’t mean to startle you!
    I’m sorry!
    I didn’t mean to climb the wall!
    I’m sorry!
    I just had no idea you live here too!
    But let’s make amends
    And let’s be best friends
    And let’s see how much louder
    We can make our person scream
    By both crawling up his leg at 3 a.m.

    Curious

    Intrigued
    Inquisitive
    Fascinated
    Captivated
    Spying
    Prying
    Curious
    This is who I am
    This is how I live
    This is why I’m now covered
    In flour, fudge, and Scotch

    Hello!

    “Hello!”
    And you wake up screaming
    “Hello!”
    And you nick yourself shaving
    “Hello!”
    And you spill coffee on your groin
    “Hello!”
    And you fall down six steps of stairs
    “Hello!”
    And you smash your head on the front door
    Every morning when I leap out of nowhere
    And meow “Hello!”
    You do something so very, very funny
    That I’m reminded once more
    How lucky I am
    To live with someone with such great
    comedic timing

    Luxury

    These
    These
    These right here
    Are the softest
    Are the comfiest
    Are the most luxurious
    Bed sheets
    I’ve ever hacked up on
    Thank you again for inviting me into your home

    And Then You Said “No”

    And then you said, “No!”
    And then I looked at you
    Waiting for a definition
    And then you said “No!”
    Again
    As if “No!”
    Defined the word “No!”
    “No! “No! “No!”
    And then I realized
    You must be practicing a musical note
    Over and over again
    “Nooooooooooooo!”
    And then I went back
    To shoving my paw in your mayo

    Please Stop

    I am
    I am
    I still am
    Sigh, yes I am
    For a fifth time
    That would be me
    So I’m begging you
    Please stop asking
    “Who’s a fuzzy, funny fur face?”
    Because you’re sounding less like
    A loving pet parent
    And more like
    The most unprepared job interviewer
    on the planet

    Everywhere I Look

    There’s a bird in a nearby cage
    There are fish in that tank
    There’s even a mouse-like thing
    Running around on a little wheel
    There’s the fast beating of my heart
    There’s the big lump in my throat
    There are the tears of joy in my eyes
    As it dawns on me
    I didn’t just move into my forever home
    But into my very own Whole Foods store

    Finally Come Home

    Ten hours
    I was all alone
    Ten hours
    I was really bored
    Ten hours
    Until you finally came home
    Only to walk right by me
    And plop down on the couch
    Only for me
    To take a sharp swipe at your ankle
    Now you’re chasing me around the house
    Now you’re hobbling and cursing my name
    Now I’m thinking these past ten minutes
    Are the happiest I’ve been all day

    Over Here!

    Now I’m over here!
    Now I’m on top of this!
    Now I’m wedged between these!
    Now I’ve torn through all of that!
    Now my head is in this jar!
    Now my butt is on this meal!
    Now my body’s in midair!
    Now I’m flying through something dainty!
    Now I’m hanging from your leg!
    Now I’m hanging from the screen!
    Now I’m hanging from a ceiling fan!
    Now I’m in midair once again!
    Now I’m outside!
    Now I’m running back inside!
    Now I’m hurtling back outside!
    Now I’m on the roof!
    Now it may not be your roof!
    Now you’re pleading with me to get off the roof!
    Now I landed on your face!
    Now I don’t know
    How I’ve been so many places
    In the past minute and a half
    But I do know that
    Thanks to tracking litter
    I can retrace my journey every single
    step of the way

    Adorable

    I curl my adorable fur body
    Into an adorable fetal ball
    As I tuck my adorable head
    Into my adorable tail
    And sigh my adorable sighs
    As I rest adorably
    Right on top of the one thing you need right now
    Sleep, adorable me. Sleep.

    Sense of Wonder

    Thanks to my sense of wonder
    Thanks to my thirst for knowledge
    Thanks to my need to explore
    To analyze
    To learn
    To find out all there is
    About this new place I call home
    Thanks to all that
    And a poorly timed jump
    I can confidently report
    That everything you ever treasured
    Should not have been placed
    On a single shelf you installed yourself

    and now, just so you don’t go through your day feeling all happy and sweet, i will leave you with a sad poem. because i am a jerk.

    Not Goodbye

    I still smell the older cat
    On his favorite chair
    On his favorite blanket
    On his favorite toy
    On me
    I still smell the older cat
    But I can’t find him anywhere
    And now his dish is gone
    And now his bed is gone
    And now you are crying
    But I still smell the older cat
    So tomorrow I will look again

    okay, that’s too sad – here you need to look at this right away:

    better?? enjoy this book and support your local hot-air balloon dealership!!
    …more

    Adriana Scarpin

    Not goodbye

    I still smell the older cat
    On his favorite chair
    On his favorite blanket
    On his favorite toy
    On me
    I still smell the older cat
    But I can’t find him anywhere
    And now his dish is gone
    And now his bed is gone
    And now you are crying
    But I still smell the older cat
    So tomorrow I will look again

    Hester

    Kittens aren’t very good at poetry, but when you’re that cute, you don’t knead to be good at anything.